Fear

We've all been scared of something some time or another. My encounter with fear came on a sunny afternoon out on a disused airfield climbing  an aerial reaching up to the sky.  A patchwork of fields with many colours was all around.

It was midday on a summer’s day and the world was taking a snooze. I saw what I thought was a big mark on the top of the aerial. It looked like a crack, close to the top , and I decided to investigate.

Without much thought, I clambered to the top of the bunker that formed the base, and took a closer look but couldn't make out much more.  The glare of the sun made it difficult, but it looked like a crack.  The only thing to do was to take a closer look by climbing the supporting frame.

Without further thought, I jumped  on the rungs. It was only when I got  half way, that it dawned on me that I should have taken a safety belt.  I couldn't be bothered to go all the way down again for a belt. Up I went but now with a nagging doubt in my head.  The steps on the frame were small which made the climb more hazardous. Then  I made the mistake of  looking down. I felt queasy - a sensation that I hadn't experienced before. I felt  exposed and vulnerable, and my grip was weakening. 

Here I was, with nothing  around to protect me - not like climbing up the outside of a building. I was up on a thin pole. Although I didn't want to, I kept glancing left and right.  The country below wasn't friendly any more - the cloudless sky didn't help either, it only made the height seem bigger. Panic was beginning to set in; What if I let go? I started doubting that I could make it. My breathing was now getting faster, and I was sweating.

As I squeezed my hands with fingers wrapped around the metal  rails, my grip weakened - the sensation was indescribable. The strength in my fingers oozed away. The more I squeezed the worse it got. My legs were now weak and I didn't dare lift my feet. Staying still for a while and keeping both hands on the rails, I’d hoped to pull myself together and switch my thoughts to other things. I knew that I had to get the surrounding open sky and far-away fields from my mind, so I concentrated on looking straight at  the solid metal in front of me. I had to imagine that I was only a few feet up. The views that gave me so much pleasure before had now become my enemy.

I must have stayed glued to the same place for some time, when thankfully, things started to improve. I felt as if I'd gone through a bad dream and was now waking up. My breathing slowed and I started relaxing my grip able to move hands up to the next rail. Slowly but carefully, I managed to climb the few remaining steps to the top. Once there, with eyes closed, and catching my breath, I was able to recover my strength.

As soon as I felt better, I could bring my mind back to the reason for the climb, and having looked, I could see no damage. It must have been the sun reflecting from the circular plate. 

It was now time to get back down. I got my foot over the side onto the rail and started the slow descent. It was easier.

How  could I have been so reckless?  Being young, one doesn't always think of danger and tends to act first, and think later. Nowadays I take safety a lot more seriously, but then,  I no longer think that I am indestructible and I don't take chances. Being boring keeps you alive much longer.